X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema Read online

  We’re having a prayer breakfast down at the pistol range

  Ientabimus, precatione facta, in campo manuballistulario

  I am a firm believer in tough hate

  Mihi persuasum est odisse acerbe

  * Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire.

  Do unto others, but do it first

  Fac hominibus aliis, atqui fac prius

  Blessed are the poor, because they leave so much more money for the rest of us

  Beati pauperes, quoniam tanto plus pecuniae nobis reliquis relinquunt

  Blessed are the meek, because we can cut in front of them in lines

  Beati mites, quoniam istis in ordine stantibus anteponere nosmet ipsos possumus

  If someone smites you on the cheek, turn the other cheek and see what kind of a smiter he is with a bloody stump

  Si quis te percusserit in dexteram maxillam tuam, praebe illi alteram ut possis cognoscere quam fortiter percussurus sit bracchio truncato cruento

  Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire

  Dilige proximos tuos, utque illis ostendas te re vera diligere, mitte decem legiones quae ianuas pulsent et quam dulcissime ab illis quaerant, num velint in tuum imperium recipi

  The theory of evolution is baloney. Everyone knows the whole universe came out of Saturn’s nostrils

  Theoria Darwiniana evolutionis specierum absurda est. Constat inter omnes universitatem rerum ab naribus Saturni venisse

  Of course I can speak in tongues, but I prefer Latin

  Sane loqui variis linguis possum sicut Apostoli die Pentecostes, sed malo Latine loqui

  Let’s say grace: O gods, thank you for permitting us to gobble this food the way Caesar gobbled up half of Europe. Amen.

  Precemur. O di, gratias vobis agimus, quod nos sinitis hunc cibum sic devorare quo modo C. Iulius Caesar dimidiam partem Europae devoravit. Finis.

  Mob Banter—

  CAVILLATIO SODALIUM

  It fell off the back of a truck, capeesh?

  De extremo plaustro excidit; comprehendisne mente quod dico?

  You got a problem with that, paysan?

  Num de hoc dubitas, compagane?

  Whatsamatter you?

  Quid te sollicitat?

  Fuhgeddaboutit

  Eice id ex animo

  Geddouttahere

  Noli mecum nugari

  God forbid, a piano should fall on your head

  Dii prohibeant ne clavicinium in caput tuum delabatur

  New Age Discourse—

  SERMO NEOMYSTICUS

  Meditate on this, pal

  Meditare de hoc, amice

  Do you know the yoga position where you put your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye?

  Scisne schema gymnosophisticum per quod, capite inter femora flexo, iubentur basio valere clunes?

  Did a dish of potpourri just catch fire, or did someone light up a joint?

  Utrum patella florum siccatorum ignem modo concepit, an aliquis accendit sarcinulam cannabis?

  Man, that shit is potent—I am like totally in the subjunctive

  Mehercle, illa materia tam valida est ut funditus in modo subiunctivo sim

  I’ve got the munchies! Pizza pizza!

  Esurio! Libum Neapolitanum!

  Hollywood Latin—

  SERMO LATINUS ACUIFOLIIS

  I love it, I love it, I love it!

  Id amo, id amo, id amo!

  Make the mother the father, change the cat to a dog, and lose the kid with cancer

  Muta matrem in patrem, converte felem in canem, amitte puerum cancerosum

  And replace all the love scenes with car chases and set it in the Hamptons instead of the Civil War

  Substitue autem persecutiones curriles pro episodiis eroticis, et conloca dramatis actionem in Hamtunis in vicem temporis Belli Civilis Americani

  Wait, the girl in the copy room hated it!

  Siste, puella in scriptorio xerographico fabulam oderat!

  I’m putting it in turnaround

  Hoc scriptum in purgatorium committo

  Pasadena

  Praetermitto

  You’ll never eat lunch in this town again

  Numquam in hoc oppido prandebis iterum

  Sushi Bar Chitchat—

  SERMO IN TABERNA IAPONICA PULPAMENTORUM INCOCTORUM MARINORUM

  No mackerel, no eel, and no slab of cold egg crud

  Mihi nullus scomber, nulla anguilla, nullum frustum ovorum frictorum frigidorum

  When I snap apart the chopsticks, do I make a wish?

  Estne mos homini findenti virgulas prehensorias aliquod optatum declarare?

  What’s the deal with the little strip of green plastic with the fringe on top?

  Quapropter in catillum poni solet illa taeniola plastica viridis fimbrata?

  More tuna, please, and another California roll

  Da mihi plus de thunno, sodes, et alterum volumen Californicum

  How do you get the little piece of fish to stick to the rice ball?

  Quo modo cogitur segmentulum piscis globo oryzae adhaerere?

  Are those knives as sharp as they look?

  Suntne illi cultri tam acuti quam esse videntur?

  You guys make great cars!

  Vos vehicula praestantia fabricamini!

  Sorry about those atom bombs!

  Me paenitet illorum pyrobolorum atomicorum!

  Thank you very much!

  Vobis plurimas gratias ago!

  Computer Language—

  SERMO LATINUS COMPUTATORIUS

  Download the goddamn file, you bug-ridden piece of shit

  Assume plicam damnatam, o tu moles muscaria muscerdarum

  If you freeze one more time, you’re going straight to the landfill

  Si denuo congeles, confestim ibis in fossam purgamentorum

  Yeah? Well I’ve got an error message for you, fuckhead—you’re about to be shut down improperly with a ball-peen hammer

  Sicine? Nunc age, tibi nuntium erroris habeo, stuprator—mox improprie sopieris malleolo

  Car Talk—

  DISCEPTATIO DE CURRIBUS

  It’s a hunk of junk!

  Acervus inutilium est!

  That car is so ugly, you’d have to put a pork chop on the backseat to get the dog to ride in it

  Iste currus tam turpis est ut necesse tibi sit ponere offam porcinam in sede postrema ut persuadeas cani ut vehatur eo

  You deserve a dopeslap for buying it!

  Eum tam imprudenter comparando meruisti alapam!

  If the rattle gets too bad, wear earmuffs

  Nimium si strepat, indue operimenta tuis auribus

  Of course you think you can repair it—you’re a moron!

  Scilicet putas te currum reficere posse—stipes es!

  Whatever it is, it’s going to cost you five hundred bucks, if that’s what it is

  Quodcumque est, Ioachimicis tibi quingentis constabit, siquidem est, quod esse creditur

  Try putting it in neutral and pushing it off a cliff

  Vide quid eventurum sit si, dinexo ingranagio, currum e scopulo pepuleris

  Keep in mind, people in the rearview mirror are even stupider than they appear

  Tene memoria, viatores conspectos in speculo retrospicienti stultiores esse quam videntur

  And remember, don’t drive like my brother!

  Et memento, noli agere currum ut frater meus!

  B.S.—

  BUBULUM STERCUS

  A coyote whose habitat was destroyed by urban sprawl ate my homework

  Suo tractu operto suburbio extenso, canis latrans domicilium meum ingressus praescriptum domesticum mihi devoravit

  Due to global warming, my homework spontaneously combusted

  Orbe terrarum nimium calefacto
combustione hydrogonanthracum, pensum meum domesticum sua sponte flammam concepit

  My homework was seized as evidence by mistake by DEA agents in a drug bust at the wrong address

  In domum meam perperam incurrentes, vigiles qui exsequuntur usum medicamentorum illicitorum nimis studiosi pensum domesticum pro testimonio iniuste abstulerunt

  My homework was forcibly recycled by eco-terrorists

  Praescriptum meum domesticum per vim in fibras redactum est a sodalitate quae terrore pro Terra utitur

  * My homework contracted mad homework disease and had to be destroyed.

  ** Bullshit!

  My homework contracted mad homework disease and had to be destroyed

  Necesse erat pensum domesticum meum, quod incidit in rabiem pensi deleri

  Strict zoning codes enacted by the town board make it illegal for me to work at home

  Praescriptis severis de aedificiorum usu decretis a decurionibus municipalibus, mihi non licet operari domi

  Because of a lack of statewide standards, the Supreme Court ruled 5–4 that I had to stop doing my homework immediately

  Normis civitati universae deficientibus, quinque ex iudicibus Tribunalis Supremi decreverunt, quattuor negantibus, ut pensum statim deponerem

  Small Talk during a Colonoscopy—

  COLLOCUTIO INTER COLONOSCOPIAM

  Now I know how a Muppet feels

  Nunc novi quid Manipupa sentiat

  Any sign of the trapped miners?

  Conspicisne metallicos sepultos?

  Are you there yet? Are you there yet? Are you there yet?

  Advenistine? Advenistine? Advenistine?

  Could you provide me with an affidavit stating that my head is not, in fact, up there?

  Potesne mihi testimonium impertire adfirmans caput meum reapse non infixum esse podici?

  Medical Confab—

  CONFABULATIO CUM MEDICO

  I’m afraid I have some bad news, doc

  Vereor ne tristem tibi nuntium adferam, medice

  I’ve noticed you have no concept of time—I’ve been waiting for over an hour

  Animadverti te nullam notionem temporis habere—nam plus quam unam horam tibi praestolatus sum

  Your handwriting on prescriptions is totally illegible and shows signs of dementia

  Chirographum tuum quasi demens in medicamentorum praescriptis nemo legere potest

  Your manner is oddly distracted

  Te geris mirum in modum neglegenter

  You have an extremely strange sense of humor

  Inusitatissima iocaris

  Your fees are insane

  Mercedes tuae insanae sunt

  I think you have a brain tumor

  Puto te tuber in cerebro alere

  I’ll stop in again in a year and see how you’re doing

  Reveniam ad annum ut cognoscam de valetudine tua

  Hang in there!

  Perfer et obdura!

  Homeland Security—

  SALUS PATRIAE

  I’d open these bills, but I’m afraid they may contain anthrax

  Has epistulas debitorum solutionem poscentes aperirem, sed metuo ne bacilli anthracis insint

  The bad news is, the Martians have landed and, boy, are they mean; the good news is they hate Arabs and they piss gasoline

  Tristis nuntio Martios descendisse et, eheu, truculentos esse, sed laetus nuntio illos odisse Arabes oleumque octanum meiere

  If you don’t give me this putt, the terrorists win

  Nisi mihi hunc puteolum concedis, phobistae vincunt

  If I can’t get a decent table at a top restaurant on short notice, the terrorists have won

  Nisi mensam opimam in popina optima extemplo accumbere possum, phobistae vicerunt

  If you won’t sleep with me, the terrorists will have won

  Nisi mecum concubueris, phobistae vicerint

  Get out the duct tape—I’m about to fart!

  Effer fasciam adhaesivam—mox pedam!

  Useful Phrases for Barbarian Evildoers—

  LOCUTIONES UTILES MALEFACTORIBUS BARBARIS

  I surrender! Please do not fire your catapult!

  Me dedo! Quaeso, noli iacere tela ballista!

  There is no anti-Roman sentiment here!

  Hic nemo est quin Romam amet!

  We love your big chariots, fast food, and violent culture!

  Amamus vestras currus immanes, cibum festinanter paratum, et cultum saevum!

  We hate our wicked and corrupt leaders!

  Odimus duces nostros improbos pravosque!

  We welcome you as liberators, not conquerors!

  Vos non victores, sed liberatores salutamus!

  We never liked that dirty old city—it’s so much nicer as rubble!

  Istam urbem squalidam senescentem numquam dileximus—confracta, multo magis nobis placet!

  * We love your big chariots, fast food, and violent culture!

  ** We hate our wicked and corrupt leaders!

  *** We’d much rather be ruled by a distant emperor, even if he’s a nitwit!

  We’d much rather be ruled by a distant emperor, even if he’s a nitwit!

  Multo malimus ab imperatore remoto regi, etiamsi frutex sit!

  If you see anything you like, don’t hesitate to take it!

  Si quid videtis quo delectamini, agite, capite sine mora!

  We’ll be sure to let you know if any Huns come this way!

  Curabimus ut sciatis num ulli Hunni appropinquent hac via!

  Have a really nice epoch!

  Sit vobis aetas felicissima!

  Game Boy Chatter—

  HORTAMINA PUERORUM LUDENTIUM ENCHIRIDIIS LUSORIIS

  Taste laser death, alien insect scum!

  Oppetite mortem lumine amplificato stimulata emissione radiorum, cimices extraterrestriales foedi!

  Eat hot lead, Nazi zombie robot commandos!

  Vescimini glandibus plumbi candentis, velites nationalisticosocialistici cadaverosi automatarii!

  Feel the keen edge of the sword of doom, no-good, stinking, corpse-eating tomb-ghouls!

  Sentite aciem acrem ensis mortiferi, o larvae putidae, o bustirapi nefandi!

  I am going to program a simulation of the Roman Empire and rule it unjustly, cruelly, and incompetently!

  Mihi est in animo programmare simulationem imperii Romani quam iniuste, atrociter, imperite regam!

  Tax the poor!

  Impone vectigalia pauperibus!

  Bribe the senators!

  Corrumpe pecunia senatores!

  Rig the elections!

  Falle comitia!

  Screw minorities!

  Defrauda nationes minores in tua civitate!

  Pack the courts with obedient dunces!

  Stipa basilicas stipitibus obsequentibus!

  Arrest protestors on trumped-up charges!

  Infer commenta crimina seditiosis apprehensis!

  Invade other countries pretty much at random!

  Infer forte temere bellum aliis gentibus!

  What could possibly go wrong?

  Quid nobis infeliciter fieri potest?

  Modern Vatican Latin—

  SERMO LATINUS HODIERNUS IN VATICANO

  On the advice of counsel, I have decided to testify in Latin

  Iurisconsultus mihi suasit ut testimonium dicerem Latine

  My patron saint, Miranda, appeared to me in a vision and told me to remain silent

  Patrona mea, Sancta Miranda, apparens mihi somnio me iussit tacere

  Whom are you going to believe, me or some snot-nosed little boy, no matter how cute?

  Utri vos convenit credere? Mihi, an nescio cui puero parvulo muculento, quamlibet pulchellus sit?

  Look, these legal fees are putting quite a dent in the old collection plate

  En, mercedes iurisperitorum discum eleemosynarium vero vacuefaciunt

  What if I say one million Our Fathers and a couple hundred thousand Hail Marys and we just call it even?

  Si Orationum Dominicarum decies ce
ntena milia recitabo, Salutationumque Beatae Mariae bis vel ter ducena milia, eritne satis?

  The devil made me do it!

  Diabolus me coegit peccare!

  Learned Latin for Lovers—

  SERMO LATINUS DOCTUS AMATORIBUS

  I’m only repeating a query that dates back to the Chaldeans, but may I ask, what is your sign?

  Si modo licet mihi te rogare idem quod antiqui Chaldaei suas puellas rogare solebant—quo signo nata es?

  I think it was Pliny the Elder—or was it Pliny the Younger?—who first pioneered the concept of self-introduction by way of the purchase of a libation, and it is really in homage to him that I am moved to offer to buy you a drink

  Credo Gaium Plinium Secundum Maiorem—aut Gaium Plinium Caecilium Secundum Minorem—instituisse ut vir, qui se notiorem puellae facere vellet, ei aliquid liquoris Lyaei compararet; itaque in commemorationem illius iuvat potiunculam tibi praebere

  Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”

  Hoc Marcus Tullius optime verbis expressit, neque profero alia quam ipsissima verba optimi omnium oratorum cum adsevero te venustas habere mammas

  * Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”

  ** It is required of you to go fuck yourself.

  Just as Aeneas inquired of Dido in Book Four of the Aeneid after stating his desire to install his obelisk in her temple of love, your place or mine?

  A te quaeso, sicut in Aeneidos libro quarto Aeneas, elocutus desiderium erigendi suum obeliscum in templo Venereo Didonis, ab ea quaesivit, tuae domi an meae?

  In the deathless words of the great philosopher-emperor Marcus Aurelius, of course I will respect you in the morning