X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema Read online

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  Published by Gotham Books, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  First electronic edition, December 2004

  Copyright © Henry Beard, 2004

  All rights reserved

  Illustrations copyright © James Sherman, 2004

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  Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  MSR ISBN 0-7865-5369-3

  AEB ISBN 0-7865-5370-7

  Set in Dante MT and Trajan

  Designed by Sabrina Bowers

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  Author’s Note

  Although I did the original Latin composition for the first draft of this book, my translations have been extensively corrected, meticulously polished, and felicitously rephrased by J. Mark Sugars, Ph.D., without whose assistance I would have been in merda profundissima (very deep doo-doo). Thus, to the extent that the classical constructions herein are historically appropriate, grammatically accurate, and culturally apt, it is he who deserves the imposing, but tasteful, triumphal arch on the sunny side of the Forum, just below the Palatine Hill. If, however, there are any errata ignominiosa (boners), it is I and I alone who should be exiled to the remote, windswept tip of some godforsaken island inhabited by rude barbarians. (The Hamptons will do nicely.)

  That said, I have to confess that even the most dedicated Latin purist inevitably succumbs to the temptation to make a cheap joke at the expense of the noble tongue of Rome’s golden age, and I am no exception. Therefore, in the interests of scholarly integrity, I am compelled to concede that there is no Latin verb “geronimo, geronimare” meaning “to express an intention to act boldly or rashly,” say, just prior to jumping off a bridge, and if a Roman diner wished to remark, “I will recommend this restaurant,” “zago, zagas, zagat” is not the way he would have phrased it. The rest of the Augustan yadda-yadda (“iaddo, iaddere, iaddedi, iadditum”) is as kosher as we could make it.

  Oh, all right. Yadda-yadda is actually blatero, blaterare. Sheesh.

  Preface

  PRAEFATIO

  pry-FAH-tih-oh

  It’s often said that Latin is a dead language

  Lingua Latina saepe dicitur mortua esse

  LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah SIGH-pay DEE-kih-tuhr MOHR-too-ah EHS-seh

  Baloney!

  Nugas!

  NOO-gahss!

  It’s just been taking a long nap

  Modum iam pridem meridiatur

  MOH-duhm yahm PREE-dehm meh-ree-dih-AH-tuhr

  And it’s been talking a lot in its sleep

  Iam diu autem multa verba facit dormiens

  Yahm DIH-ooh OW-tehm MOOL-tah WEHR-bah FAH-kiht DOHR-mih-ehns

  In fact, you can’t get it to shut up

  Re vera, non potes eam in silentium redigere

  Ray WAY-rah nohn POH-tess EH-ahm ihn sih-LAYN-tih-uhm reh-DIHG-eh-reh

  Look around—Latin is all over the place, like a cheap toga

  Circumspice—Lingua Latina se pandit ubique tanquam toga qwevilis

  KEER-kuhm-spih-keh—LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah say PAHN-diht ooh-BEE-kweh TAHN-kwaum TOH-gah WIH-liss

  Lawyers use it to screw you

  Iurisperiti ea utuntur ut te defraudent

  Yoo-riss-peh-REE-tee EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht tay deh-FROW-dehnt

  Doctors use it to scare you shitless

  Medici hac lingua utuntur ut alvum evacues ex metu

  MEH-dih-kee hock LEEN-gwah uh-TOON-tuhr uht AHL-wuhm ay-WAH-koo-ays eks MEH-tooh

  Politicians use it to hide their tracks while they rob you blind

  Magistratus ea utuntur ad operienda vestigia cum te despoliant

  Mah-gihs-TRAH-toohs EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd oh-pehr-ih-AYN-dah wehs-TEE-gih-ah kuhm tay deh-SPOH-lih-ahnt

  Priests use it to weasel their way out when they get caught playing hide-the-sausage with the altar boys

  Sacerdotes in stupro cum acolytis deprehensi ea utuntur ut se criminibus absolvant

  Sah-kehr-DOH-tays ihn STOOP-roh kuhm ah-koh-LEE-teese day-preh-HAYN-see EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht say krih-MIHN-ih-buhss ahb-SOHL-wahnt

  Even garden supply stores use it to get you to buy overpriced, short-lived houseplants

  Etiam venditores rerum hortensium ea utuntur ad persuadendum tibi ut emas maximo pretio plantas vitae brevis

  EH-tih-ahm wehn-dih-TOHR-ace RAY-ruhm hohr-TAYN-sih-uhm EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd pehr-swah-DAYN-duhm TIH-bee uht EH-mahs MAHK-sih-moh PREH-tih-oh PLAHN-tahs WEE-tye BREH-wihss

  The fact is, for too long these dirtbags have had a monopoly on this mighty tongue

  Diutius quidem haec propudia monopolio huius magnifici sermonis fruuntur

  Dih-OO-tih-uhs KWIH-dehm hike proh-POOH-dih-ah moh-noh-POH-lih-oh HOO-eeh-uhss mahg-NIH-fih-kee sehr-MOH-nihss frooh-OON-tuhr

  But now, thanks to this little book, you too can tap the awsome power of Latin to dismay the ignorant multitudes

  Nunc vero, huius libelli gratia, tu quoque potentia reverenda linguae Latinae uti potes ad indoctum vulgus consternandum

  Nuhnk WAY-roh, HOO-eeh-uhss lih-BEHL-lee GRAH-tih-ah, too KWOH-kweh poh-TAYN-tih-ah reh-weh-RAYN-dah LEEN-gwigh LAH-tih-nigh OO-tee POH-tehss ahd ihn-DOHK-tuhm WUHL-guhs kohn-stehr-NAHN-duhm

  And best of all, you’ll be able to insult and abuse one and all in perfect safety, using a language that everyone respects but practically no one understands

  Atque haec est optima ratio omnium: maledicere cunctis hominibus et contumeliam imponere satis impune poteris verbis augustis quae cum omnes magno aestimant, tum nemo ferme intellegit

  AHT-kweh hike ehst OHP-tih-mah RAH-tih-oh OHM-nih-uhm: mah-leh-DEEK-eh-reh KOONK-tees hoh-MIHN-ih-buhss eht kohn-tuh-MAY-lih-ahm ihm-POH-neh-reh SAH-tihss ihm-POO-neh poh-TEH-rihss WAYR-beese ow-GOOS-teese kwy kuhm OHM-nays MAHG-noh EYE-stih-mahnt tuhm NEH-mo FAYR-meh ihn-TEHL-leh-giht

  And as you pepper your speech with catapult-powered put-downs, remember the immortal words of Maximus as he signaled the attack in Pannonia

  Itaque cum spargis orationem tuam praepotentibus opprobriis, memento verborum immortalium quae Maximus fecit signum dans in Pannonia:

  Ih-TAH-kweh kuhm SPAHR-ghiss oh-rah-tih-OH-nehm TOO-ahm prigh-poh-TAYN-tih-buhss ohp-PROH-brih-eehs, meh-MEHN-toh wayr-BOH-ruhm ihm-mohr-TAH-lih-uhm kwigh MAHK-sih-muhss FAY-kiht SIHG-nuhm dahns ihn Pahn-NOH-nih-ah:

  Unleash hell!

  Solve lora infernis!

  SOHL-weh
LOH-rah ihn-FEHR-nihss!

  And have a nice day!

  Et futue te ipsum!

  Eht FUH-too-eh tay IHP-suhm

  Latin Terms in Modern English

  LEGAL LATIN

  MEDICAL LATIN

  POLITICAL LATIN

  ECCLESIASTICAL LATIN

  BOTANICAL LATIN

  Basic Latin Pronunciation Guide

  VOWELS

  a if long, as in “blah”; if short, as in “rub-a-dub”

  e if long, as in “ol é”; if short as in “feh”

  i if long, as in “ ’zine”; if short as in “zit”

  o if long, as in “d’oh”; if short as in “not”

  u if long, as in “dude”; if short as in “wassup”

  There is really no simple way to tell if a vowel is long or short, but if the word is short—one syllable—treat the vowel as short. The last syllable of verb endings are almost always short. If a, i, o, or u, come at the end of a word, they’re long; if e comes at the end of a word, it’s short. If a vowel is followed by two consonants, it’s long. For other situations, pronuntia utrolibet modo! (wing it!)

  DIPTHONGS

  ae as in “Thai”

  au as in “ouch”

  ei as in “hey”

  eu as in “hey, you”

  oe as in “goy”

  ui as in “ptui”

  CONSONANTS

  b, d, f, h, l, m, n, and p are the same as in English. So are k and z, which are rare in Latin anyway. j, w, and the consonant y don’t exist in Latin.

  c, ch always “k.” That’s a KIGH-sahr salad you ordered. You want ANN-koh-veese with that?

  g, gn always “guh.” The Romans were fighting the GUHR-mahns, not the JUR-mahns, and when they gave the signal to attack, it was a SIHG-nuhm (trumpet blast) not a SEE-nuhm (large bowl).

  i always “yuh.” It’s thanks to YOO-lih-uhss (not JOO-lee-yuss) that we celebrate the fourth of July instead of the fourth of Quinctil.

  r you can rrroll your r’s even if they’rrre the last letterrr of a worrrrd.

  s always “sss.” The Roman fanss (not fanz) were animalss (not animalz).

  t, th always “teh.” Teh-hey teh-rew teh-hings at eak ot-teh-her during teh-he nah-tih-oh-nahl (not nashunal) ant-hem (not anthum).

  v always “w.” The wolcano that waporized Pompeii was Weh-SOO-wee-uhss.

  There are no silent letters in Latin—every vowel (unless it’s part of a two-syllable dipthong) and every consonant is always pronounced fully, and often separately. Of course, there are also no actual Romans around to give you the stink-eye when you mess up.

  I

  Lingua Latina Tironibus

  Beginning Latin

  Narratiuncula—

  A LITTLE STORY

  Puellae filiae agricolarum sunt

  The girls are the daughters of the farmers

  Puellae pulchrae sunt

  The girls are pretty

  Puellae nautas in via spectant

  The girls see the sailors in the street

  Nautae pulchri sunt

  The sailors are hunks

  Puellae nautas salutant

  The girls say hello to the sailors

  O malam fortunam! Nautae male mares sunt

  Too bad! The sailors are homos

  Nautae ad puellas digitos impudicos porrigunt

  The sailors give the girls the finger

  Puellae nautas appellant

  The girls call out to the sailors

  “Speramus naviculam misellam vestram ad scopulum adlisam iri summersum”

  “We hope your stupid boat hits a rock and sinks”

  Puellae in forum descendere destinant et ibi mercimonium furari

  The girls decide to go down to the mall and shoplift some stuff

  Omnes paucis annis prosedae erunt

  In a few years they will all be hookers

  Latin Aptitude Test—

  PROBATIO LATINITATIS

  (answers below—responsa recta in ima pagina)

  I. MATH — SCIENTIA MATHEMATICA

  All Gaul is divided into___parts

  Gallia est omnis divisa in partes___

  many

  multas

  good

  bonas

  small

  parvas

  warlike

  bellicosas

  Capture a Gaul and torture him until he tells you

  Torque Gallum captum donec tibi respondeat

  II. VERBAL — SCIENTIA VERBORUM

  Arms and the man I sing, who first from the shores of___. . .

  Arma virumque cano___qui primus ab oris . . .

  Syracuse

  Syracusarum

  Ithaca

  Ithacae

  Albany

  Albani

  Buffalo

  Bufali

  Sacrifice a bullock to Jupiter so the test gets canceled because the teacher was struck by lightning

  Immola Iovi iuvencum ut magistro tacto de caelo probatio relinquatur

  III. EXTRA CREDIT — QUAESTIO ADDITA PRAEMII GRATIA

  Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when bearing___

  Quidquid id est, timeo Danaos et___ferentes

  shish kebabs

  carunculas veribus fixas

  stuffed grape leaves

  folia vitis oryza farta

  baklava

  crustula laminosa

  the check

  syngrapham

  Send a slave over later with the answer, and if he gets it wrong, lop off his ears

  Mitte brevi postea servum qui responsum referat atque si erret praecide aures ei

  I., E; II, E; III, E.

  Romulus and Remus Jokes—

  ROMULI REMIQUE IOCULARIA

  ROMULUS: Why did the sacred chicken cross the Appian Way?

  ROMULUS: Quem ob rem pullus sacer viam Appiam transivit?

  REMUS: I do not know. Let us cut it open and see if the entrails provide an explanation for this inauspicious behavior!

  REMUS: Nescio. Eum evisceremus ut, extane ostensura sint illius infausti facti causam, comperiamus!

  ROMULUS: Why do Roman firemen wear red suspenders?

  ROMULUS: Cur gerunt siphonarii Romani retinacula rubra?

  REMUS: I do not know—let us set the city ablaze and see if their pants fall down!

  REMUS: Nescio. Urbem incendamus ut, sintne delapsurae bracae eorum, comperiamus!

  ROMULUS: Why did the Helvetian moron throw the water clock out the window?

  ROMULUS: Quare iecit caudex Helvetius clepsydram de fenestra?

  * Why did the sacred chicken cross the Appian way?

  ** I do not know. Let us cut it open and see if the entrails provide an explanation for this inauspicious behavior!

  *** I growl

  REMUS: I do not know, but I feel certain that after ten years chained to an oar as a galley slave he will be eager to reveal the reason for his rash act!

  REMUS: Nescio; pro certo tamen habeo istum, decem annos vinctum in servitio ad remum intra navem longam, cupidum futurum revelare rationem sui temerarii facti!

  The Legion of Superheroes—

  LEGIO HEROUM MAXIMORUM

  Faster than a speeding chariot . . .

  Celerior quam currus festinans . . .

  More powerful than a Carthaginian war-elephant . . .

  Valentior quam elephas bellicus Punicus . . .

  Able to conjugate irregular verbs without making a single mistake . . .

  Potis anomala verba sine lapsu declinare . . .

  It’s Ro-Man!

  Romanus est!

  T-shirt Slogans—

  TITULI TUNICALES

  CARPE NAREM

  Pick your nose

  CAPE SOMNUM

  Catch some “z’s”

  CAPIAMUS CEREVISIAM

  Let’s grab a beer

  CAVE LABOREM

  Beware of work

  MORANS FAC PAUSAM UT SEDES BIROTARUM OLFACIAS

  Take time to stop a
nd smell the bicycle seats

  PUTEO ERGO SUM

  I stink, therefore I am

  VENI, VIDI, VOMUI

  I came, I saw, I blew lunch

  SOLVE LORA INFERNIS

  Unleash hell

  OSTENDE MIHI PECUNIAM

  Show me the money

  PARENTES MEI DIMIDIUM EUROPAE DESPOLIA VERUNT. EGO TAMEN NIL ACCEPI PRAETER HANC TUNICULAM MISELLAM

  My parents plundered half of Europe and all I got was this stupid T-shirt

  ABES ETIAM A CONSILIO INSULTANDI MIHI NISI LATINE LOQUI SCIAS

  Don’t even think of dissing me unless you speak Latin

  ILLUC IVI, ILLUD FECI

  Been there, done that

  Bumper Stickers—

  TITULI CURRULES

  I’d rather be pillaging

  Malim praedari

  I’m dumb and I vote

  Hebes sum et suffragia fero

  My child can beat the crap out of your wimpy honor student

  Filius meus puerum tuum studiosum laureatum mollem deverberare potest

  Thank you for not thanking me for not smoking

  Tibi gratias ago quod mihi gratias non agis quod fumum non comedo

  Visualize world conquest

  Habe ante oculos devictionem mundi

  Keep honking—I’m reloading

  Perge cornu canere—sclopetum repleo

  Horn broken—watch for finger

  Buccina fracta—exspecta signum digiti impudici

  Barbarian on board

  Barbarus in curru

  Proud of our brutal police

  Vigilitus nostris crudelibus gloriantes

  Stop the aqueduct, save the unicorns

  Sistite constructionem aquaeductus ut conservetis unicornes

  I brake for lunch

  Frenos inhibere soleo pransurus

  Don’t blame me—I voted for Miss Piggy

  Nolite me culpare—Suffragatus sum Erae Porcellae

  Jesus loves you—everyone else thinks you’re an asshole

  Te amat Iesus—ceteri te putant irrumatorem