X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema Read online

  If you can read this, I lost my trailer

  Si hoc potes legere, traheam meam amisi

  Reality TV—

  SPECTACULA TELEVISORIA VERI SIMILIA

  Celebrity Shark Attack

  Impetus Pistricum in Insignes

  Supermodel Food Fight

  Pulcherrimae Inter Se Luctantes Edulibus

  Beach Babe Lapdance Showdown

  Certamen Ultimum Saltandi Nympharum Litoralium in Genibus Virorum

  Blow Job Island

  Insula Fellatoria

  Nationwide Red Alert Hot Bod Strip Search

  Inquisitio Summa Cum Vigilantia Per Omnes Nationis Partes Diffusa Corporum Formosiorum Nudatorum

  Meet the Organ Donors

  Salvete, O Daturi Membra Post Mortem

  Baby-sitters from Hell Bring Home Animals that Kill for Fun

  Nutriculae Infernales in Domos Adducunt Feras Quae ad Delicias Interficiunt

  Big Fat Slobs Eat Shit for Cash

  Helluones Squalidi Merdam Pro Nummis Comedunt

  Who Wants to Marry a Rich Old Fart with a Terminal Disease?

  Quis Vult Nubere Peditori Capulari Diviti?

  Hardball Talk Shows—

  DISCEPTATIONES TUMULTUOSAE

  That’s a load of bull, and you know it!

  Merae fabulae sunt, et eas esse tales scis!

  You wouldn’t know a fact if one hit you on the head!

  Rem veram non cognoscas etiamsi frontem tibi feriat!

  You’re a liberal stooge!

  Pedisequus parasiticus es popularium!

  You’re a right-wing moron!

  Stipator stultus es optimatum!

  See you next week!

  Vos revisemus post septimanam!

  Ultimate Sports—

  LUDI EXTRAORDINARII

  Bass-fishing—Piscatus Percarum

  Let me guess—you have to drink the beer to make room in the ice chest for all the fish you catch

  Ut coniecturam faciam—necesse est tibi bibere cerevisiam ut locum in cista glaciei des piscibus captis

  It’s a keeper!

  Licet mihi hunc retinere!

  Stock car racing—Certamen Curruum Generalium

  When are they going to start running into each other and blowing up?

  Quando inter se collidentes incipient in flammas dirumpi?

  Pit stop!

  Statio restaurativa!

  Wrestling—Luctatus

  Something tells me that the mean-looking bearded guy dressed up like the Ayatollah is no match for the wily Captain America

  Suspicor illum truculentum barbatum ritu archierei Persici vestitum non esse comparem Centurioni Americano vafro

  Smashmouth! Smackdown!

  Ictus in os! Prostratio!

  Bungee jumping—Saltus de Ponte

  How dumb would you have to be to jump off a bridge with a rope tied to your foot?

  Quam vecors sit is qui de ponte saliat pedibus funiculo ligatis?

  Geronimo!

  Geronimo, geronimare!

  Snowboarding—Super Nivem Labi

  Hey dude, let’s head to the halfpipe, catch some major air, and stick some tricks!

  Heus, laute, contendamus ad canalem nivalem ut aerem oppido capientes nonnullas technas exsequamur!

  Super rad! I’m stoked!

  Maxime radicitus! Flagro!

  The Olympics—Olympia

  I’ll vote for the Greek in the wrestling if you vote for the Roman in the chariot race

  Graeco palmam dabo in certamine luctandi si Romano palmam dabis in certamine quadrigarum

  Deal!

  Fiat haec pactio!

  Trash Talk in the Colosseum—

  CONTUMELIA IN AMPHITHEATRO FLAVIO

  You want a part of me? Bring it on!

  Visne partem mei capere? Comminus agamus!

  Are you dissing me?

  Insultasne tu miki?

  You’re yesterday’s news

  In actis diurnis iamdudum es celebratus

  You’re toast

  Mox corvos pasces

  You don’t know your ass from a catacomb

  Non possis distinguere tuum podicem a Puticulis

  Your mother is so fat, when she’s in town, Rome has eight hills

  Mater tua tam obesa est ut cum Romae est, urbs habet octo colles

  * Your mother is so fat, when she’s in town Rome has eight hills

  ** Kiss my basilisk!

  Your mother is so ugly, when the gods turned her into a pig, she thought her prayers had been answered

  Mater tua tam turpis est ut cum di eam mutaverint in porcam, suas preces putaverit eos audivisse

  Your mother is so stupid, when she found a coin with Caesar’s name on it, she tired to return it to him

  Mater tua tam stulta est ut cum invenerit nummum ferentem nomen Caesaris, huic eum restituere conata sit

  Go ahead, punk—make my day

  Age, catamite—fac mihi hunc diem felicissimum

  Spring Break—

  FERIAE VERNALES

  Road trip!

  Iter faciamus!

  Let’s party hearty!

  Pergraecemur!

  Wet T-shirt contest!

  Certamen inter mammosas tunicis madefactis vestitas!

  Go ahead, card me. See, I’ve got a Latin ID. I’m 2,000 years old.

  Age, scrutare chartam identitatis meam. Ecce, est mihi syngraphus Latinus. Duo milia annorum sum natus.

  I’m wasted!

  Crapulentus sum!

  I’m going to hurl!

  Vomiturus sum!

  Country Music Favorites—

  MUSICA RUSTICA FAVORABILISSIMA

  Si Telephonium Non Tintinnat, Ego Voco

  If Your Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me

  Causam Tibi Dabo Bibendi

  I’ll Give You Something to Drink About

  Quomodo Una Nocte Facta Tam Turpis Es?

  How Did You Get So Ugly Overnight?

  Si Dies Hodiernus Esset Piscis, Reicerem

  If Today Was a Fish I’d Throw it Back

  Mater Cape Malleum, Musca Sedet in Capite Patris

  Mother Get the Hammer, There’s a Fly on Papa’s Head

  Si Me Deseras, Liceatne Mihi Te Comitari?

  If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

  Quomodo Te Desiderare Potero Si Non Discesseris?

  How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

  Per Anulum Illa Trusit Digitum Medicinalem, Ac Ostendit Mihi Digitum Medium

  She Got the Ring, and I Got the Finger

  Tu Causa Es Cur Liberi Nostri Tam Turpiculi Sint

  You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

  Sine Te Tam Miser Sum Ut Videaris Etiamnunc Adesse

  I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here

  Caput Dolet, Pedes Fetent, Iesum Non Amo

  My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don’t Love Jesus

  Chilling Out—

  SERMO OTIOSORUM

  Wassup?

  Quagis?

  Nothin’, watching the game

  Nihil ago, ludos specto

  True, true

  Vero, vero

  It’s off the hook

  Ab unco remotumst

  Talk to the hand, the face don’t understand

  Adloquere manum, facies nescit quid velis

  Black togas are cool

  Togae atrae lepidae sunt

  Want to see my sword collection?

  Vin’ aspicere collectum gladiorum meum?

  I’m thinking of taking a catapult into the school cafeteria . . .

  Cogito ferre catapultam in cenationem scholae . . .

  Graffiti—

  INSCRIPTIONES LATRINALES

  Make love, not war—hell, get married, do both

  Suscipite amorem, non bellum—eheu, iuncti matrimonio, suscipite utrumque

  Procrastinate now

  Procrastina rem nunc

  Flush twice, it’s a long way to Texas

  Evacua
cratera latrinalem bis, Texas procul est

  If it has tits, tires, or testicles, it’s nothing but trouble

  Mammeatae, rotalia, testiculati, omni modo molesta sunt

  Gods are dead

  Di mortui sunt

  Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder

  Cervesia pota, pulchritudo cernitur

  Yankee, go home—and take me with you

  Americani, redite domum—ducentes me vobiscum

  If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

  Si quidem animalia nobis edenda non sunt, quare constant ex carne?

  There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t

  Sunt genera tria hominum: illi qui numerare possunt, et illi qui non possunt

  It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you

  Res tam malae sunt quam putas, et inimici re vera te persequuntur

  Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery?

  In sortitionibus donativis, cur numquam praemia consequuntur sortilegi?

  Aunt Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog—Dorothy

  Amita Aemilia: Te Kansiamque odi, Canem mecum abduco—Dorothea

  If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?

  Si quidem pedibus ire tam salubre corpori est, cur similis est noster tabellarius forma illi Iabbae Hutico?

  Kill Barney

  Interfice Arcturulum, istum mimum personatum portentosum purpureum palaeozoicum

  Road Rage—

  IRA IN VIA

  Where did you learn to drive—fleeing from Huns?

  Ubi didicisti gubernare currum? In fuga ab Hunnis?

  That’s it, numbnuts. Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light.

  Euge, enervate eunuche! Ingredere in orbitam meam prae me, tum reprime cursum cum biviali lucernae approprinquas.

  Now speed up when I try to pass you, and as I go by, give me the finger.

  Nunc, accelera cum conor te praeterire, mihique praetereunti ostende digitum impudicum.

  Okay, tailgater—time for a brake check

  Em, ichneumon—tempus est sufflamina temptare

  Big car, little dick

  Currus magnus, mentula minuscula

  You know what S.U.V.s and hemorrhoids have in common? Every asshole has one.

  Scisne quid commune superlativa urbana vehicula cum haemorrhoidis habeant? Est unum ex his utrisque malis cuique pathico.

  * That’s it, numbnuts! Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light!

  ** Where did you learn to drive? Fleeing from Huns?

  Lady, if you’re going to sit there all day yakking on your cell phone, why don’t you stick a steering wheel on your living room wall and just stay home?

  Muliercula, si vis ibi sedens garrire totum diem in Nokiam tuam, quidni rotam adfigens gubernalem ad murum conclavis domi maneas?

  What are you saving those pretty little turn signals for—Christmas?

  Quod ad tempus reservas ista lumina pulchella praemonitoria—ad Saturnalia?

  No, Mr. Busybody, I am not handicapped, but you will be if you don’t move your nosy butt out of that parking place, pronto

  Minime, ardelio, nullo modo debilis sum, sed fies tu quidem, si clunes tuas curiosas non removeris protinam ab illa statione

  Don’t boot my car!

  Noli caligam in rotam currus mei adfigere!

  I am too allowed in the car pool lane! See, I’m not alone. I suffer from multiple personality disorder.

  Certe mihi licet vehi in orbita seposita curribus repletis. Ecce, non solus sum. Legio mihi nomen est, quia multi sumus.

  There are three of us here. I want to drive! No, it’s my turn! No fair, what about me? Me me me!

  Adsunt tres. Volo gubernare! Immo, ordo memet vocat! Iniquum est! Quid de me? Me me me!

  Does that Breathalyzer have a Latin setting?

  Potestne illa machina pneumatodocimastica ad linguam Latinam accommodari?

  I have Vatican diplomatic immunity. If you give me a ticket, you’re going to end up cooling your heels in The Hague in a jail cell full of Yugoslavian war criminals.

  Sedes Romana Sacra mihi diplomaticam immunitatem tribuit. Si me vocaveris in ius, aetatem tuam deges Hagae Comitis, conditus in carcerem refertum Iugoslavorum condemnatorum de bellum contra ius gentium gerendo.

  Air Rage—

  IRA IN AËRE

  Do you have nail-clipper-sniffing dogs?

  Habetisne canes quae forficulas unguales olfacere possunt?

  I think that guy with a napkin on his noggin has a catapult in his shoe

  Credo illum mantelium in capite gerentem occultavisse catapultam in caliga

  Hey, pal, is that carry-on luggage or did you just sack Carthage?

  Heia, amice, utrum illae sunt sarcinae tuae, an modo Carthaginem despoliasti?

  Say, miss, didn’t you used to work for Con Air?

  Dic mihi, domnicella, nonne te conducebat aëria classis quae condemnatos transportabat?

  You know, even galley slaves were served meals

  Nempe cibus dabatur etiam servis navalibus

  If there’s an accident, I’m going to charge people to use this exit

  Si de caelo cadere incipiamus, vectores pretium pro usu huius exitus poscam

  Warning Labels—

  SCHEDAE MONITORIAE

  Your nose may fall off

  Fieri potest ut nasus tuus decidat

  You may develop hot-dog fingers

  Fieri potest ut digiti tui formam tomaculorum sumant

  Your head may explode

  Fieri potest ut caput tuum displodatur

  Your brain may turn to mush

  Fieri potest ut cerebrum tuum liquefiat

  You may start babbling in Latin

  Fieri potest ut Latine blaterare incipias

  II

  Lingua Latina Media

  Intermediate Latin

  Caesar’s PowerPoint Presentation—

  CAESAR TIBI PROPOSITA MAXIMI MOMENTI PRAEFERT

  I

  Argumentum

  Gallia, terra in partes tres divisa

  *Cisalpina

  *Transalpina

  *Oblitus sum tertiae

  Topic

  Gaul, a country with three parts

  *Northern Italy

  *France

  *I forget

  II

  Consilium

  *Visere

  *Videre

  *Vincere

  Plan

  *Make a visit

  *Have a look-see

  *Take it over

  III

  Sequelae

  *De bello stultum librum scribam

  *A nonnullis irrumatoribus occidar in Foro

  *Acetaria et mensis accipient a me nomina

  Follow-up

  *Write a stupid book about it

  *Get assassinated in the forum by a bunch of assholes

  *Salad and month get named after me

  IV

  Conclusio

  *Faciam ut animus meus scrutetur

  *Quid illa femella Cleopatra?

  Conclusions

  *Get head examined

  *What about that Cleopatra dame?

  Top 10 Reasons to Live in the Time of the Caesars

  DECEM OPTIMAE RATIONUM CUR IN AEVO CAESARUM VIVERE IUCUNDIUS ESSET

  X. Calculus won’t be invented for another fifteen hundred years

  Calculus differentialis non invenietur intra mille quingentos annorum

  IX. When you’re late on a rainy day, you can always blame the sundial

  Si sub Iove pluvioso serius advenias, tu culpare semper potes horologium solare

  VIII. If you piss off one god, you’ve still got 600 left

  Si deum irrites unum, sescenti tibi iam supersint

  VII. Actors are treated like dirt

  Histriones foede tractantur

  VI. Athletes who complain about their pay end up in
an urn

  Athletae qui queruntur de mercedibus mox in urnas funduntur

  V.Scumbags who get the death penalty think they got off light

  Scelesti mortis damnati se leviores poenas pensuros reuntur

  IV. The likeliest place to find some pushy Christian preacher is inside a lion

  Veri simillimum est, locum in quo praedicatorem Christianum protervum invenies, ventrem leoninum esse

  III. The French are an ignorant bunch of servile peasants living in smelly huts, and the Germans are getting their asses kicked

  Gens Gallorum inerudita servilis agrestis est, in tuguriis foetidis habitans, et Germani vapulant

  II. A healthy diet consists of waiting to see if the food taster dies before having anything to eat

  Diaeta salubris est, antequam aliquid cenes, observare an moriatur praegustator

  I. Everyone is always dressed for a toga party

  Omnès amiciuntur semper togis quasi convivium agitaturi

  That Old-Time Religion—

  ILLA RELIGIO PRISCA

  Actually, I’m a born-again pagan

  Re vera, cultor denuo renatus deorum Romanorum antiquorum sum

  I get to worship whomever I like, including SpongeBob SquarePants

  Licet mihi venerari pro deo quemlibet, etiam SpongoRobertum QuadratoBracatum

  I always ask myself, What would Julius Caesar do?

  Me semper rogo, Quid faceret Iulius Caesar?

  No, as far as miracles go, this “J. C.” never raised the dead, but he certainly lowered a lot of the living

  Immo, si de miraculis agitur, ille “I Ce” nullos mortuos ad vitam revocavit, sed tamen multos vivos ad mortem sane misit